who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
we're so committed to being not committed
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
