Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
