I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
