I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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