I want to have your abortion
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Can I color on your dick again?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
