guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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