he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
