i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
