I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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