Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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