she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
