i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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