so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
