in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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