Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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