how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
