i was born a porn star she said
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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