im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
