i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I deserve to be covered in dicks
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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