somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
