I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
