Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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