its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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