You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
