I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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