don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
