OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
