Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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