I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
