so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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