I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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