my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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