I am spending my child support on dildos
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
