I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
