I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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