He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
