Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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