did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
