It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
