She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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