Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
