Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
