I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
