just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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