i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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