How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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