Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
