the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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