I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
