I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
