I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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