Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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