I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
