i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
