This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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