Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
