No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
