I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
