My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
