I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
