It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
